Damn that woman...

[draconisregena]

This had potential to be a good day, because Mom even brought home ice cream and was nice for a while and everything. But alas, the last conversation of the night...



"your thing this weekend you're leaving tomarrow right?"

"Thats right"

"you're staying in Urbana?"

"yes, at the Lincoln Hotel"

"and this person from Minnesota is picking you up?"

"Yes he is"

"Wait this friend you are staying with a boy?"

"Yes?"

"you can't share a room with a boy"

"why not?"

"he's a boy!"

"Thats not a good enough reason"

"its innappropriate, think of the concequences"

"What concequences? It certainly doesn't bother me, just because we're sharing a room doesn't mean i'm going to fuck him"

"What happens with people when they get drunk, do drugs and you don't even know the concequences?"

"Wait, just because I am sharing a room with a member of the opposite sex means that we're going to do these things?"

"Well what if He comes back drunk and uncontrollable"

I merely laugh, because there is very little that I could not handle, especially in a hotel full of SCA people. Not only that I trust Faelan quite a lot. Not that I think a drunken make out session with you would be a bad thing, but I am very careful...no drunken sex. Its bad luck for me. And I think by now that she's just insane.

"Well?"

"We're not going to get drunk mom..."

"You think i'm being rediculous, don't you?"

"Yes actually I do"

"Well, I think you're acting in such a way to make people question your morals, your integrity and your honor...if you have any...why can't you share a room with another Woman?"

"what?"

"Sooner or later you're going to do things that people believe are unacceptable, and you're never going to get jobs, or into school, its probably why you got fired... There are moral standards for behavior! Theres a set of boundries that people have, no matter how openminded they say that they are, that when you step over them you will pay for it. I can't believe you are that stupid. Someday...Its a shame you don't have more pride...."

Damndamndamn...

Comments

[aztecknight.livejournal.com]

You know you are fine. Do not let societial norms be your only guidepost. That is what she is preaching.

[lrdfaelan.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. If its any help I think that drunk sex is a no-no too. The decision to have sex is one that you shouldn't go into while in a less that coherant state. Also... I'm a rather mellow drunk but happy too.

[draconisregena.livejournal.com]

I know sweetheart I've seen you drunk, remember?

[dwer.livejournal.com]

gotta let it roll off your back.

Maybe you should start considering using little white lies with your mother.

[draconisregena.livejournal.com]

Lying is bad.

[dwer.livejournal.com]

Conflict is bad for you too. It's not so black and white as "lying is bad". If telling your mother that you're not sleeping in the same room as a boy means that you don't have an argument and don't terrible, then that lie really isn't so bad.

What your mother wants to know is that you're not sleeping around. You're not. So tell her -that-.

[draconisregena.livejournal.com]

I've told her that so often that I can't even remember. It doesn't make any difference how often I tell her that I'm not sleeping around, she'll never believe it. I will not Lie. All I have is my integrity...even if she doesn't believe that I have any.

[kithmyglaive.livejournal.com]

good for you chick

[dwer.livejournal.com]

It's not about integrity. It's about peace of mind, and you losing yours.

Look at it this way -- by not trusting you, by not believing you, she doesn't have the -right- to know the truth. She doesn't have the right to be part of your life. You don't have to tell her -anything-.

[so-zanie.livejournal.com]

She is also treating you very disrespectfully. She would never say those things to another adult--or someone she viewed as an adult.

It's OK for her to express her concerns, but she needs to do it respectfully, and unfortunately you may have to teach her what that means.

[draconisregena.livejournal.com]

I know that I don't have to tell her anything but what would the point be in causing a war? I still have to live here. If I start doing the "I'm not going to tell you what I am doing because it's rightrully none of your business" thing she will just either take it to dad (in which case its a done deal because I love my dad) or steal my car keys again.

[dwer.livejournal.com]

Ruth, you're -in- the war already. You're already fighting the battles.

Don't say "I'm not going to tell you." Say "I'm staying with a girl" when she asks who you're staying with. Simply neglect to tell her stuff, don't make it into a big fight.

And letting her manipulate you because you love your dad is wrong. Don't let her use that lever against you.

[draconisregena.livejournal.com]

I don't need to make the war more violent. *sigh* Theres a lot of backstory here that you don't understand but...Simply put I have to live here.

And manipulating me may be wrong, but it is also effective. People wonder why I have self esteem issues.

[dwer.livejournal.com]

I don't wonder why you have self esteem issues. I wonder why you don't do something about it.

You need a job, and you need to get out of that house. At this point, ANY job.

[so-zanie.livejournal.com]

Remember how I've told you I've been there myself? I think you actually stole the transcript from conversations I had with my mother at about that same period of my life.

That said, let me flip into your mother's head space for a minute. She loves you and is concerned about you. She doesn't want anything bad to happen to you. From things she has hinted at, it seems to me that maybe she doesn't want you repeating mistakes she made.

But--

She is also coming up against 2 unpleasant (to her) facts. Fact number 1 is you are 22 years old and in all senses of the word an adult. She no longer has any real control over what you do and that scares her. Like many parents, she has no faith that you have really learned the lessons she has taught you and she is afraid to let you make your own "mistakes".

Fact number 2 rolls out of this: you seem to have developed your own set of values and way of looking at the world. This puzzles her because she can't understand how she can have raised you "right" and still have you thnking in ways that differ from how she does. If she truly believes the things she says this pains her, because she has to face the fact that her daughter (only child, etc) is thinking and doing things that are the opposite of what she thinks and feels are the "right" thing to do. She can't trust that you know what you are doing for this reason.

And if my experience is any guide, darling--she never will. The best you can hope for is a kind of detente, the land of "don't ask don't tell". I agree with purplebard that lying--or maybe lying by omission--is a coping strategy here. She will learn to not ask in time.

What I did--and what you may have to do--is draw some very specific boundary lines. If my mom crossed them, I pulled away. Transgressions across the line meant no contact for a while. She learned in time that there are things she can't do or say to me. I don't argue or try to change her mind (anymore), I just pull away.

It took me until I was 30 to figure this out, tho. And I know you are working on getting out of there, but putting some physical distance between you may be the only real solution here. If you aren't there she will be less likely to ask for details, and you can just not supply them.

[scribewithgold.livejournal.com]

I agree with you lying is bad. Stand you're ground. I swear I could hear my parents yelling the same thing. After a bit, I started to say things like 'Mom lets not go through this. I'm tired of fighting and being put down by you. You've raised me to the best of your abilities and now let me show how well you did." Of course, this didn't always work but I felt ok. I didn't live at home. I got married very young. Long soap opera short. Stick to your grounds. Have fun this weekend for me too. Relax.

[so-zanie.livejournal.com]

While I agree in principle that lying is bad, some people can't ever shift their world view enough to get to a point where it's OK that someone (especially their child) has a lifestyle or worldview that is different than theirs.

If your mom was able, in time to accept you as an adult and deal with your management of your own life, that's great. Mine wasn't, and I had--for my own sanity's sake--to make some distancing decisions. Which included not telling her everything--lying by omission.

Sometimes this kind of situation just ends up in eternal conflict, and IMO it's OK to decide you need to opt out of that to whatever degree.

[scribewithgold.livejournal.com]

First, let me say. My mom has never accepted anything I've done as good. I know some of this gets lost in email and I'm frustrated that I didn't make it clear. To this day, my thinks I'm a no good piece of flesh that didn't amount to damn thing. "The day I was born, I ruined her life"
I spent years arguing, not talking, hiding and so forth trying to get acceptance. It boiled down to me not answering her questions which in turn caused me to have bleeding ulcers and lots of health issues. I've come along way since and while I care deeply for my parents and always will. I don't give them the control of making me feel bad anymore. I hope this makes sense. It's still, as you can tell a sensitive subject for me. Someday, just once I'd like my parents to say, I did something right. Anyway...I understand your point and guess I'm not communicating mine very well. Feel free to contact me off list but I don't want to keep this going on an open forum. Just drags up way to many bad feelings and bad times and I'm doing my best to stay positive and get out of the claws of the depression monster. I hope you understand. Putting the fun back in dysfunctional! :)

[birchduck.livejournal.com]

"Why can't you share a room with a girl?"

"Mom, what makes you think I woulnd't fuck her?"

Or even just go on about all your lesbian friends in open relationships who you *could* have stayed with... But you decided than an honorable, clean guy who wouldn't take advantage of you would be better.

But I think that not fighting back somehow would be better. I don't have the people skills to tell you how you should do it, but she's got her mind made up that you are wrong and she is right, and you're not going to change that no matter how logically you argue.

[draconisregena.livejournal.com]

I very seriously considered asking her "Why would you assume that my sharing a room with a girl would make me any less likely to fuck my roommate?" and just watching the reaction.
It would have even been a true statement.

[elusivecallie.livejournal.com]

I second Birch's suggestion....

It would be amusing to you, at least... Your mom might have a fit, but at least it would take the same old argument in a whole new direction...

[draconisregena.livejournal.com]

I have to agree it would be a good laugh. I don't know if I'd want to deal with her trying to "cure" me though if I did.

[arcadia-kayan.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, lab buddy. You deserve so much better than that. And I it would be nice if your mother would simply trust you and your judgement.