Boy...

[draconisregena]

It's been wonderful and frustrating all in the same attractive package that I fell for so long ago.

Boy is putting me through my paces, in a contest of wills much like the one I had with my mother. It is quite reminicient of me in grade and high school. Truly I need to not lose this contest of wills but, I also need to not react badly to it. I'm not as of yet sure how to do that, but I haven't really yelled at him yet. I hope I never get to that point. It is VERY frustrating though, trying to get an 8 year old to do something that he doesn't really want to do.

I just don't understand where the wonderful loving child goes when I ask him to do something. I don't know what to do about it either. I'm not very good at this whole parenting thing, especially when he knows very well that I am not his mother. I don't want to be his mother, but I am not sure that I can be his friend and have him listen to me. I wish someone could tell me how to do it but I know that I just have to figure it out for myself.

I'm only 10 days in, I know it will get better.
He's going to be a very unhappy boy when his father gets home.

Comments

[norfacoflandra.livejournal.com]

*sigh* The answer isn't pleasant, really. You won't and aren't his friend. You're his supervisor/mentor, and that means being disliked, sometimes kinda violently.

You need his respect. Gaining it can be tricky, and it's easy to lose.

[so-zanie.livejournal.com]

You did a great job with a roomful of crazy 6-9 year old girls.

Part of the trick is to pick your battles. Decide--with Richard--what the immutable boundaries are, and stick to them. With other stuff I always try to take a second and ask myself--is this important? if it's not I'll sometimes cave. It's also OK to tell a child that they have to wait and let you think about it. Teaches them patience, and gives you a chance to count to ten.

[birchduck.livejournal.com]

I wish someone could tell me how to do it

You might try searching for step-parent advice, or "how to". Here's one that didn't look totally useless.

[mairegirl.livejournal.com]

Dietrich s right, it is about respect. You respect you, you respect him and you respect Richard.

Three areas we never gave in on, homework, everybody cleans and helps, everybody deserves to be treated with with respect.

The struggles were harder early but paid off now.

you can't be his friend.

[dwer.livejournal.com]

My ex has fallen into that trap. My son is really great with her, except nothing ever really gets done.

You're his stepmother (or stepmother to be, I guess). that's not the same as mother, but it's a role nonetheless, and it's the role you have.

[sgtgwn.livejournal.com]

When Brittney first moved in with us, I had the following talk with her. "I am not your mom, however in this house, I am the Mom-unit. Therefore I expect you to treat me as such."

Now, I'm not going to say that everything was perfect after that, but at least it established some boundaries.

[moonflake1978.livejournal.com]

LOL! My dear, I have so been in your hell.
First of all, have you made it clear to him that you do not want to take the place of his mother? Your first step is to figure out a method of communication. Then, the bonding can begin. Until then it will take alot of time for him to open up to you.
(my advice having acted as a step-parent for 10 years)

Kids at the age of 8 do not want to do things they are asked at home or for the people they spend time with at home. I am fighting with Tempest about it all the time. I told her last night that from now on she has to stop stockpiling all over her cute and wonderfulness and when she starts to get in trouble I will tell her I am tapping in to her cute and wonderfulness and she needs to stop and think about how she is acting, and what she needs to do to act how she does for everyone else.

[terrilyn.livejournal.com]

Fun place to be in. I wish you luck with it. I'm sure that with time, and as you guys get better beyond the language barrier, it'll sort itself out.

Best of luck in the meantime though!

[evils-thoughts.livejournal.com]

The last two sentences actually say a lot. It will get better as you all work through the new living arrangements. Also he may already be an unhappy boy. His world has just changed in ways he can only begin to understand. He now needs to share his father’s time with you. He really does not know how you fit into his world yet.

I would recommend some conversation with both he and Richard about expectations and boundaries. Work out as much as you can what each of you think your place can be. It will take a while for all of you to get used to it. The more communication there is the less stress there will be.

[aztecknight.livejournal.com]

I got a step mother and I gave on to my daughter. It will be tough at times. Richard will be the key. You two will get on the same page and it will be easier as it goes along. Pick your battles and pick them together.

And those last two sentences say a lot. Ten days is not much.

[da-bearon.livejournal.com]

Lots of good advice already here.

I'd like to emphasize talking to Richard, getting on the same page, making sure you agree on a set of expectations and back each other up.

I think I'm getting there with Katrina's boys, more so the younger one.
Didn't think it was ever going to happen with her daughter, until she had a child of her own.

Just remember, "It's a journey, not a destination."